smokey mascara/i only dream of you

5/6/05
Judie,
Hope you are well. I wrote this at the time of the hurricane but it transpires that I forgot to click send.
How is your family and home? I sincerely hope nothing bad happened. It has been such a long time. Please do write back.
Regards,

9/4/06
Judie,
It’s been a while. How are you? How has grad school been? I had written to you earlier in this same email, are you still using this?
Regards,

 

9/4/06
Christopher!!

So nice to hear from you. How have you been?

Yes, I am still using this email although I have another one I use as my primary.

I graduated earlier this year. Last year passed by so fast, but it was mostly positive. Now I’m plotting my next steps. Still in Amherst.

How about you? Where? What have you been upto? Last time we spoke was at the funeral and you didn’t know what to do with the pets.

Hugs,
J

 

9/6/06
Dear Judie,
I am very pleased to hear from you, I was starting to feel like I wouldn’t. Some things have healed, some refuse to yield. I had to part with both Pay-pay and Pumbaa. Things got worse before they got better.
I live in Northampton now.
I am confused about this email business, what is the best way to reach you? I have this email and 253-876-11 as your number, where I have texted you in the past.
Congratulations on your achievements and good luck on your future endeavors. If I can be of assistance, don’t hesitate to ask. I know job hunt can be very stressful but I trust in your abilities.
Take care,

 

09/06/06
Where in Northampton are you? What do you mean it got worse before it got better?

I’m still using that number. Call me, I’d like to see you.

J

 

12/22/2006

Judie,
I’d meant to text inquiring if you had caught up with work or if you were close. I forgot to ask while we were on the phone. Sometimes I have so much to say that I was going to request you to, “pencil me in for more than an hour a week, once you are caught up with work.”  I was so happy that you called. The way these things are, one always forgets to ask the important questions, like how is the apartment hunt coming along? And if you have found a way to circumvent the unwittingly loud co-worker? And how many cooking utensils do you have?
There are still a couple of hours before the day ends. This day, the 22st of December, happens to be the winter solstice for 2006. And what a way to announce your arrival than an unexpected rain and gusty winds. I quite like the rain and often miss it. Something about watching the noise that rain makes (I mentioned this earlier) calms me down. So, I stepped out to the balcony to experience just that. It was cold but I felt protected under the awning, but not for long. A gust of wind, blew the rain towards me. As those little droplets sprayed my face, I didn’t realize that I was smiling until later.
One of the biggest loss of being apart from those whom you care about is the inability to experience these feelings together and I am afraid it will take us apart. For me, the challenge lies in the ability to succinctly express these experiences consistently. I am trying and will continue to do so.

Good night!

04/11/2007
I am writing this in the back of a van. On my way to the parking lot, I drifted out of the conversation, and into the garden where all the roses were in full bloom. You bought me a potted rose for my birthday. Who does such a thing? Apparently, roses of different color smelled differently.  It is strange that I didn’t notice it until today.

I looked for you here, to share this moment with me. I wish you could get lost with the lovely flowers and forget all your worries. Please let me know when you’re back in town, I would love to see you and have all those things to give you.

I can no longer be with you because I struggle to be your savior. And I know it was the worst time for you to go through a break, but I did it because I loved you. There is you and then there is your dark streak. I love the you who is my best friend, but the darkness that is inside you is taxing, and it costs too much to be with you. The fact that I cannot be with that you, the one that guards my honor and derives his strength and confidence from my love, is killing me. That’s why you bring me down, to use your words.

I worry about all that you have to worry about. I wonder if the boxes are packed and if you were able to find help. I hope you are able to stay at your cousins until you find a place of your own. And amid the disappointment, indignation and loneliness, you are able to stay strong and still maintain a positive outlook. Above all, I hope there are distractions capable of sweeping you off your feet and landing you on your own personal wonderland, even if it lasts for less than an eye-blink.

Love,
Judi

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s